


Dichotomy

by Crazy_Dumpling



Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M, PWP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-27 13:05:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/662315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazy_Dumpling/pseuds/Crazy_Dumpling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>At times, he wonders how the two halves of Siwon’s life manage to coexist, how the paradox of it doesn’t rip him in two.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dichotomy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> For glitterburn, in appreciation of all the wonderful stories she's written for these two. <333

They’ve not had the chance to this recently, so when Zhou Mi and Siwon find they have a spare hour that someone has forgotten to fill with inane variety show tapings or done-to-death interviews promoting the new album, they tumble into bed with all the frantic hurry that five months of pent-up sexual frustration induces. Five months of having to deny themselves, and over a year since they were allowed to be intimate with each other with any regularity.

Clothes get pulled off and tossed away, and Zhou Mi tries to protest when Siwon rips the collar of his shirt half-way off, but he’s much too busy with trying to get Siwon out of his fashionably battered jeans. They kiss and bite and grope at each other. Siwon is murmuring something that sounds like an apology for being away so long and Zhou Mi is trying to say it doesn’t matter. _Now_ matters, _this_ matters more than any stolen kisses or hurried fuck when they had no time to spare but stole it anyway.

Then Siwon is between Zhou Mi’s thighs, laying down the softest love bites as he works his way towards Zhou Mi’s erection, and Zhou Mi’s vision goes hazy when Siwon’s mouth finally envelops him. The months of waiting, of feeling static and forgotten, of feeling _useless_ disappear in an instant, because Siwon’s fingers are interlocked with his, and Zhou Mi feels his entire world break down in a haze of pleasure and blessed relief.

Later, he lets Siwon fuck him, slow and easy. They still remember this dance of hands and legs and fingers, learnt one chilly Beijing evening five years ago when Han Geng had taken the rest of the members out for hotpot, but Siwon’s burning gaze had been too much for Zhou Mi to resist and he had made excuses for the both of them. Zhou Mi can recall the way Siwon reached for him, how they had tumbled off Zhou Mi’s narrow dormitory bed in their eagerness to see each other naked, to touch bare skin and not worry about being rejected.

Siwon is still the greatest mystery to Zhou Mi. At times, he wonders how the two halves of Siwon’s life manage to coexist, how the paradox of it doesn’t rip him in two. Onscreen, onstage, he is the perfect Christian gentleman, professional and polished. Everything mothers hope their sons could be, or their daughters could bring home. But when they are alone, Siwon changes, becomes uncertain of his actions. Reaches out for Zhou Mi even as he denounces homosexuality for the TV cameras.

“Am I a mistake?” Zhou Mi once asked as they lay together, after too many drinks with Henry and Siwon had chanced a short visit to the dorms after a particularly gruelling drama schedule. “This… do you ever regret it? Tell me, Shi Yuan.”

Siwon had been quiet, too quiet. Then he dragged Zhou Mi down for a kiss.

“Sometimes, you’re the only thing that feels real to me,” he whispered, and it had sounded like a sob. 

Now, as Siwon braces himself above Zhou Mi, thrusting deep into him, Zhou Mi wonders how truthful Siwon is with himself. How much does what they do in these fleeting moments affect him? 

What does he think of the things they do in near silence?

Zhou Mi’s noticed, of course, the way Siwon has changed ever since they left Korea. Here — in China, of all places — Siwon feels freer. He laughs more, jokes around with the other members, allows himself to act the part of the goofy idiot without worrying about his perfect image. Zhou Mi knows when the minute they go back to Incheon, Siwon will close himself up again, and these moments will become as rare as any forbidden treasure. This is why every second now is precious, must be accounted for.

“Mimi,” Siwon’s voice brings him back to the present. Zhou Mi tries to return the smile Siwon bestows on him, shy and full of adoration. “Mimi, you’re _beautiful_.”

And it shouldn’t still make Zhou Mi’s heart beat that touch faster, because he can’t be sure if Siwon is telling the truth (does he even know what the truth is any longer?), but it does. Zhou Mi feels the flush steal across his face as he winds his legs around Siwon’s waist, drawing him in deeper.

“Such a liar,” he says, without any conviction. Siwon looks serious, though. Something unbidden leaps in Zhou Mi’s chest, a feeling not helped by the way Siwon fucks into him with a sudden burst of vigour, strong and sure.

“You are, you know. You’re the most beautiful thing in my life.”

The way Siwon says it, with such earnestness, makes Zhou Mi look away. He doesn’t want to see the belief shining in Siwon’s eyes. He’s too scared it might turn out to be another lie. But Siwon turns his head, and their eyes meet. The force of his sincerity stuns Zhou Mi.

Siwon’s hand on his dick crumbles the last walls of Zhou Mi’s half-hearted resistance. He arches into Siwon’s touch, catching the rhythm of Siwon’s hips against his own. This is their secret dance, more treasured than Zhou Mi would ever admit, even to himself, and Siwon’s personal redemption. Here, they can be honest at last with each other, hiding nothing and forgetting the masks they wear for the people around them.

Zhou Mi cries aloud with the happiness of it, sheer unbridled joy ripping through his body as Siwon gives into desire and impulse and drives into him with greater force than before, his eyes locked on Zhou Mi’s the whole time. He holds Siwon close, sliding fingers through his short bleached hair, murmuring encouragement and spilling secrets of how long he has waited, how he feared he was going to be cast aside and left alone. 

His fears are quelled now, while Siwon wrenches his climax from him with a sure, steady hand, his seed dripping down onto his belly, sticky and warm. Zhou Mi whimpers as Siwon thrusts into him one last time, orgasm still ringing in his ears while Siwon shudders through his and promptly collapses on top of him.

“Oaf,” he says, a giggle bubbling up in his chest. “Get off me, you neanderthal. Don’t you have any concern for your bedmate, huh?”

Siwon grunts, rolls his eyes and rolls off Zhou Mi. “Such a diva.”

But his hand finds Zhou Mi’s and gives it a squeeze. That is when Zhou Mi _knows_ , that hope — as much as faith — is worth protecting. He kisses Siwon and feels the stirrings of something stronger than affection as Siwon reaches for him again. There is still time.

He is not afraid.


End file.
